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she gets 6 band with this writing

Should she go for rechecking?

ielts recheckingThis essay belongs to Numra whose first language is English. She was born in England and now currently living in Lahore, she has done her Graduartion or master in English. She contacted me and claims that she wasn’t given fair bandscore for writing module. What i asked her to do was write and essay and post it to me so that i can have a look and see if she is right. After getting her essay which is below seems that she got fair bandscore.

The main reasons she is getting low bandscore is firstly she is not responding to actual question secondly there isn’t proper cohesion and coherence. Apart from it vocabulary side there isn’t any competency in some words.

 

Question:

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

 

Sample Answer:

Majority of today’s youth is under the negative impact of a relaxing, sedentary lifestyle which consists of eating junk food and having little exercise. It is of my opinion that both schools and parents can bring a change in this routine by working together in influencing children.

Firstly, seeing that the child spends most of their time in schools, the institute can make sure that physical activitiy is ecouraged through promoting more competitive and fun games rather than just focus on academic subjects.  If children are given the opportunity to participate in outdoor sports, this enhances their fitness and makes sure they are active rather just playing on video games. Physical education teachers should encourage all children to play as a team rather than just focus on some really active students who prefer to play games than the students who avoid such sports. After school clubs should also consist of activities such as hiking, swimming etc and parents should allow their children to spend more time in clubs.

Secondly, I believe education plays a pivotal role in bringing a change in a person’s thinking. For example,  students should be encouraged to eat healthy at lunch times rather than eating oily, fatty foods such as chocloates and fries. Teachers should emphasise healthy eating in thei r lectures and force parents to send healthy lunch with their child every day consisting of fruits and water. Parents can take this step further and promote healthy dinners and avoid eating take aways at home.

Parents also can put a time limit on the amount of time their child spends on the internet and games and encourage outdoor activity instead. Youth love to spend more time on technology instead of exercising. Family members should all participate in active sports, not only does this ensure that everyone remains fit, but it also makes sure that there is a family bond.

In conclusion, parents and schools need to work in unison to bring about a change in children’s lifestyle.  The child is under the supervision of teachers at day time and their parents in the evenig. Both teachers and parents play a vital role in educating and enforcing a healthy lifestyle.

2 Responses so far.

  1. Momal Mishal says:

    Topic; many children these days have unhealthy lifestyle, both school & parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

    Intro; It’s fact that many children have unhealthy life style now a days and it’s common notion that both school & parents are equally responsible for that. But I do not agree because parents are responsible for younsters attitude.
    Normally, children spend their whole day at home except 6 hours of morning, which is in the school. However, school is responsible for educational measures of children by improving their skills & polish it with building their character & confidenc, Making them a responsible citizens. ……etc
    But the parents are role model of their children. Adolescents mostly immitat their parents, if parents have healthy lifestyle, it’s most likely that their would have the same. Parents are considered to be a monitor of their child in growing age & they can reform them by giving a practical example. They can guide them and counsel them for their own Life.
    Usually, parents watch their children activities at home and they know the real problems of their children. So, they can easily workout on this. For example; if a child gets up late. So, parents are the only who help him to getting out of the bed early. It’s commonly said that; “”early to bed’ early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise”” Similarly, a diet which taken by the children not remarkably balanced. Parents can encourage them to take a fresh & properly home cooked food by taking themselves right in front of the children. Morover, parents can motivate their children for physical activity by playing with them. Also parents can teach them that (commonly in family time) proper sleep wake cycle, balanced (nutritious) diet & exercise or a game are key for developing good health.
    To conclude the topic in hand, it can be said that without any hesitation, that it’s a prime duty of parents to check their children in each aspects of life regarding health, leisure activities, growth & education as well. Therefore, parents are the witness of their children’s non constructive activities towards their health. As being a keen observer, they can help their children to get rid off these activities that detrimental for Health.

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