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Comments on student’s essay who gets 6.5 in actual exam

 

¬†Sample essay of 6.5 bandscore with comments from teacher…

 

QUESTION:

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilites

 

Discuss both and give your opinion.

 

 

Reponse:

Happiness is not bound to any specific time. It has more to do with the feelings and situation, where anyone can relate his/her sentiments to particular mood or incident.

There is no doubt, that youth period has some great moments, but, again, it also, conditional, as teenage is more rebellious and careless, but live a life of dreams. So their dreams can bring joy, which may not be permanent and exposed to the true and practice life.

On the contrary, adulthood happiness is also subjective to every individual and can have vary from person to person. But, if a person, can call as happy life but what if that life is discontent for some of other with same situation.

Happiness is a feeling and a sense of tranquility, which can be happen to anyone in any frame of time. It also, having dissimilar meaning of people with unlikely situation, they are involve in. It cannot be generalized in anyway.

 

Mr Tasawar, Karachi

 

Comments from Sir Alam

 

– Word limit is less than 50.

 

INTRODUCTION

–¬† It doesn’t have thesis statement in introduction part which doesn’t guide reader what writer wishes to discuss or elaborate in the body paragraph.

– Parallel structure error – need to add “s” with situation word.

 

BODY PARA 1

– This paragraph doesn’t have smooth flow in ideas. I mean sentences are not connected well ; they have not proper linking words . If some are used , they are not appropriate. As a result, it becomes difficult for the reader to follow content.

 

BODY PARA 2

– Similar error as above para

– Also some sentences do not show clear progression ideas wise. Like, thoughts in sentences are not complete.

 

CONCLUSION

– Some spelling mistakes and structural errors.

 

Suggestion:

Plan well before you start writing. This way will help you put all sentences and paragraph in good order. Also it will help you write better thesis statement. Work on punctuation specially when connecting two sentences…

 

 

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