Comments on Fahad’s essay
Comments on Fahad’s essay
Find essay below from one of my student named Fahad who got 6.5 and in writing last time. This time he is working for above 7 bandscore. His Coherence has improved in this essay but still makes errors in present indefinite third person singular and plural. Further, he doesn’t punctual after linking words. If he improves mentioned errors , he can get 7.5 to 8.0 for this essay. Overall, he gets maximum marks for Cohesion and Coherence
Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.
How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Getting a university degree guarantees a good job as many people think, however a big lot believes that one should start working soon after he/she completes the school to enhance experience at the early ages. In this essay I will provide my opinion on the mentioned views.
First clause could be constructed better. Like “Many people think” makes better sense if placed at the beginning of sentence. Whenever However is used in the middle, there should be comma before and after it. The word “believes” should be third person plural.
To begin with, many people with a dream to start a career believe
s that they have to obtain a professional degree from a university first. Professions like Engineering, Medicine, and Law requires a specific degree to start with. For instance, a person who wants to become a Doctor requires the M.B.B.S degree to start his professional career. Moreover, the job at the early age might interrupt the education and can lead towards an incomplete degree course which might be required in future.
Third person singular error
Do not use first letter capital for word “doctor”
There should be comma after linking word “moreover”
On the other hand, a lot of professions do
es not require s a university degree, for instance, a job of carpenter, which is a profession most of us are aware (that) of, (it) does not require s any specific university degree, and the early start of the career will enhance the skills and overall experience of the individual. Furthermore, one of my friend who left education after high school, and wanted to work in a broker house, learnt what was required to run that business, and is one of the successful man I know. He don’t didn’t attended any university course neither hold any degree.
Improve this person singular errors.
There should be punctuation after furthermore.
Replace “don’t” with “didn’t”
Consequently, it is possible to get a job without a university education, however, a lot of professions like medicine and law require
s a specific degrees and education to start careers which opens a wider gate for professionals of the world.
There should be punctuation after “however”