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Comments on Fahad’s essay

Comments on Fahad’s essay

8bandessayFind essay below from one of my student named Fahad who got 6.5 and in writing last time. This time he is working for above 7 bandscore. His Coherence has improved in this essay but still makes errors in present indefinite third person singular and plural. Further, he doesn’t punctual after linking words. If he improves mentioned errors , he can get 7.5  to 8.0 for this essay. Overall, he gets maximum marks for Cohesion and Coherence

Question:

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

 

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

 

Sample Answer:

Getting a university degree guarantees a good job as many people think, however a big lot believes that one should start working soon after he/she completes the school to enhance experience at the early ages. In this essay I will provide my opinion on the mentioned views.

Comments:

First clause could be constructed better. Like “Many people think” makes better sense if placed at the beginning of sentence. Whenever However is used in the middle, there should be comma before and after it. The word “believes” should be third person plural.

 

To begin with, many people with a dream to start a career believes that they have to obtain a professional degree from a university first. Professions like Engineering, Medicine, and Law requires a specific degree to start with. For instance, a person who wants to become a Doctor requires the M.B.B.S degree to start his professional career. Moreover, the job at the early age might interrupt the education and can lead towards an incomplete degree course which might be required in future.

Comments:

Third person singular error

Do not use first letter capital for word “doctor”

There should be comma after linking word “moreover”

 

On the other hand, a lot of professions does not requires a university degree, for instance, a job of carpenter, which is a profession most of us are aware (that) of, (it) does not requires any specific university degree, and the early start of the career will enhance the skills and overall experience of the individual. Furthermore, one of my friend who left education after high school, and wanted to work in a broker house, learnt what was required to run that business, and is one of the successful man I know. He don’t didn’t attended any university course neither hold any degree.

Comments:

Improve this person singular errors.

There should be punctuation after furthermore.

Replace “don’t” with “didn’t”

 

Consequently, it is possible to get a job without a university education, however, a lot of professions like medicine and law requires a specific degrees and education to start careers which opens a wider gate for professionals of the world.

 

Comments:

There should be punctuation after “however”

 

One Response so far.

  1. Alam Alam says:

    ESSAY :

    ESSAY ABOUT TRAVELING…

    more and more people are traveling these days.
    Why do you think this is the case?
    What are the advantage of it?

    Sample Answer:

    Everyday thousands of people are travelling for different reasons and purposes. Travelling has become an industry, which involves numerous individuals from different backgrounds working in coordination for promoting it. In this essay, I will be putting some light on the reasons of high number of people travelling across the globe and its benefits.

    To being with, a lot of people are travelling for the purpose of business, leisure and higher education. For instance businessmen are travelling to China and Thailand, because it’s the cheapest markets in the world, which is producing the highest quantity of toys, garments and apparels with the desired quality. Furthermore students are travelling to countries like Australia, America, Canada and other European countries to pursue their higher education and professional qualifications, which is considered to be the highest quality education with market repute. For instance, one of my brother prefers to do his specialization in medicine from England, whereas, the same qualification can be obtained from Pakistan.

    Secondly, many families are travelling for leisure, for instance, last year I planned a trip to Malaysia. Moreover, people who are fond of exploring new places, travels for the said purpose, for instance, travelling to Mount Godwin Austin base camp and exploring the Amazon rainforest.

    In addition, travelling also provides benefits, such as learning new cultures, languages and their traditions. Furthermore a person taking his timeout from daily routine for travelling usually feels more refreshed when he or she is back from the trip and can concentrate more on his or her work. For example, my father used to travel for business purpose across the world, and learned several language like Thai, Malay, and Chinese, which empowered him to communicate much earlier with the locals.

    To conclude, I must say that, a lot of people are travelling to different destinations across the world in line with their motives, which is bring numerous benefit in their lives.

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