3 essays as practice targetting 7 bandscore
Find three essays below from a student who wishes to get 7 bandscore in writing. You check his previous essays in which his approach was weak. After a lesson , today he produced essays with more effectiveness. Out of three essays , one essay has been marked for which you can check comments below it.
Sample essay one
Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for
for their family.
Do you think money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered?
Nowadays, the standard of living all around the world has raised, and money plays a vital role in order to maintain this standard. Many people argue that amount of salary has to be considered before accepting a job, whether the offered salary is enough for their family to maintain a standard of living. Therefore, It is agreed that money is a major factor when considering a job. This essay will other factors like job security and environment of the company while choosing a job.
- Insert junction to link second clause in first sentence.
- Need to correct sentence grammar wise by using “be” before considered to.
- In second sentence , second clause is confusing.. “whether” needs to be removed and link it with previous clause well.
- Need to use linking word at the beginning of forth sentence. You can use “therefore” as one option.
- Last sentence is not clear thought wise, correct it.
Firstly, Job security is another important aspect to be considered when choosing a job.
If a person has a stable job, it will help him in making good decisions for future planning.
As an example, my uncle is working in a bank from last fifteen years, during the early period
of his job , he bought a house on loan, he planned to pay fifteen percent of his salary every
month. As he has a stable job, he successfully paid off the loan in next ten years. This
shows job stability plays an important part while selecting a job.
- Grammatical error: need to use present perfect continuous My uncle who has been working in a bank for last fifteen years.“
- Need comma in third sentence before “he bought a house on loan”..
- Third sentence need to be broken in two sentences or make complex sentence well.
Secondly,the environment of company is also an important factor while selecting a job.
In some companies there is culture to work for more than nine hours daily. The darkside
of working in such a company is that it becomes difficult to spend time with the family.
This clearly shows that it is important to get some knowledge about the working environment
of the company before accepting a job.
- Spelling error in second sentence “than”
In conclusion, job security and culture of a company are also important factors with money
when selecting a job.
- You could have concluded it in a better way by critical thinking. Doing so always results in better score in task response.
Sample essay two
Some people think that when a person travels into different culture they should
adopt to the local parties and cultures.
Two what extent to you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, lots of people travel to different parts of the world.Many people believe that they should behave like locals when they visit some place. It is totally agreed that it is important to adopt the local culture for tourists in order to completely enjoy and familiarize themselves with the conditions.
Firstly, most people travel around the world for the sake of enjoyment. In order to fully enjoy, tourists try to transform themselves just like the locals. For example, Sindh or is a very famous place for visitors in Pakistan. People living in Shidh or have very famous local dress. So, the tourists who visit there, they dress up in the local dress and enjoy the local festivals.By indulging into local customs, it makes the trip a memorable one for the visitors.
This shows it is very important for the tourists to adopt the culture in order to fully enjoy there trip.
Secondly, A number of tourists travel across the world for sake of information and knowledge. These tourists write books and articles regarding there trips. The readers of these books and articles only like the work of the writer if they have written with complete background information. As an example, I read an article written by a tourists about a village, the writer first explained the local history and culture, and then how he felt when he spent the whole day according to local customs. The rating of the article was very high. The main reason for such a success for this article is that the writer first adopted the culture like the locals.
In conclusion, it is agreed that it is important to adopt the local practices for the tourists in order to fully enjoy and familirize themselves with the local conditions.
Sample essay three
More and more children is accessing the internet unsupervised and
at a younger age. This can sometimes put children at risk.
What problems do you think parents face when dealing with their
children using the internet? How can this problem be resolved?
Nowadays, internet has revolutionized the world of information.However, the access to internet from the children at early age without parental guidance is a big problem. Parents have to face different problems like controlling access to internet, and how to limit the information on internet. These problems can be resolved by applying passwords to the devices and to set a time for internet usage for children in presence of their parents.
Internet is hub of information, but the same time it contains information which is not good for children.one of the major problems parents have to face is to control access to internet from children. Nowadays most people use internet from mobile phones, it becomes very difficult for parents to control children from using the mobile phones. Another major problem parents have to face is to limit the children from prohibited information on internet, right now there is no mechanism on the internet for limiting the access to any websites.
However, parents can take different steps to resolve the mentioned problems. Parents can apply passwords on the devices like cellphones and laptops. By doing this, children cannot access these devices for internet usage. Another step is to set a specific time for the usage of internet for children. Parents have to make sure that children use internet in their presence. This will limit the children from accessing the prohibited information on internet.
In conclusion, there are problems faced by parents when it comes to children usage of internet, but at the same time parents can take different steps to overcome these problems.